Oh friends. I sit here exhausted on a Friday evening, working away on my hopefully soon to be released project, wishing things were different.
I wish this pandemic rollercoaster ride would stop. I wish I could just see my family and friends the way I want to. I wish my job was normal this year. I wish the photos my best friend took of me the other night didn't show just how much my body has changed in the last year. I wish I could force the music distribution company to reply so I knew if things were on schedule or not. I wish I hadn't had a massive anxiety attack last night.
I wish I could change the events that led me to write these songs that I am hoping to release soon.
I wish, I wish, I wish.....
But of course, you know as well as I do that my wishes will not change any of these things. I have a sneaking suspicion that you may wish some things in your life were different right now too.
And so I must choose to be kind to myself. I must choose to be kind to those around me. I must choose to allow myself the time and space to grieve and heal, not just from the loss of Ben but also from the chaos of this past year. And also to choose not to allow the grief and sadness to drown me.
A month ago I sat down and made a super detailed schedule of all the things I needed to complete in order to release this album to the best of my ability. I am working on being a better marketer, publicist, and manager for myself. I felt really great about being organized and having it all worked out. And then I ran into an issue with the CD cover, and another with registering my music, and now I'm waiting on replies from a few different people and companies about a few different things. I feel myself getting frustrated and wishing (there's that silly word again) I could make other people care about this project as much as I do. But I have to accept that I cannot, and that they will do their jobs but I will have to be patient. I may have to let go of my own timeline and self-imposed deadlines and relax a little.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised! No part of this project has gone according to my plan so why would it start now?